- the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
- the quality of being inspired.
- a person or thing that inspires.
Pretty impressive word isn’t it??? I don’t think it really describes me, although recently I have been called this many times & whilst it is an honor, it really isn’t me… is it?!?
Truth is I am 38 years old & terrified.
The truth is, every day I wake up, normally to a beep & boop of a machine, a nurse asking me to sit up & take a drug, oxygen flowing into my lungs through tubes & check my phone, cry, pray & refocus.
Truth is… all you see, the fight, the strength, everything, it is fake… (hold your horses people, keep reading & breath).
Reality is… I have no choice but to wake up, I have no choice but to fill my body with drugs that keep me alive, I have no choice but to fight this as it tries it best to kill me.
I wake up every day afraid, I get weaker & weaker with every attack, I think every day why I am being punished? why I can’t be loved? what did I do so wrong to deserve this?
I am far from an inspiration; I am someone that just has no choice in this. This is the hand I was dealt, the choices I made in life, the words, the actions, the places, the people, everything I CHOOSE to have, led to this path.
I am not an inspiration, I am a fraud. I smile & say I will fight this, when inside I want to curl up into a little ball, go to sleep & not wake up, because that will be easier.
I am not an inspiration, I push everyone away through drug side effects, self loathing, trust issues & knowing I am not worth having people in my life.
I am not an inspiration, I am someone that has no choice.
On the 26th April I was at (my now ex) boyfriends home, an attack started and an ambulance called…. I was taken to resus as usual, though this time was different. This time I was away from my usual hospital, they didn’t know me, ITU appeared & I was taken upstairs. I was scared, they don’t know how to treat me, will they read it all wrong, D was kept outside the room a lot of the time, I needed someone anyone to fight in my corner so I could focus my fight on breathing, we are now a month on & a lot has happened during these few weeks, I spent 3.5 in Winchester hospital, backwards & forwards to ITU when it was decided I was no longer stable enough to be discharged.
I lived in that hospital, for 3.5 weeks waiting for a bed to become available in a specialist lung unit. During that time, I met many people on the ward, some that have now become very close friends, some that helped me cope with not only failing lungs but a breakup which I hid from everyone for a few days.
A break-up with someone who I thought would understand, who helped keep me strong, who had been through things before, who had been my best friend for years… one which hurt me more than I thought was possible, one where even though I needed to cry & have a hug & get mad, to ensure he wasn’t villainised. So with everything going on medically, I kept secret, told lies about him going “up north”, ensured he could come back at any point…. Well he didn’t. Thank you to my rocks on that ward, I got through it, although still very raw & painful, I long let go of the hope & with help, long chats, venting my INSPIRATIONS got me through.
People on a ward that knew I was so far from anyone & anything, offered to wash my clothes, get food things for me to eat, gave me hugs, held my hand during asthma attacks so brutal, I would & should have given into them.
THEY are the inspiration, no matter what was in their life, or when their visitors came to see them, they made time for me. They stopped everything and focused on this grown up, this woman, who could barely cope at life at some points. That wasn’t faked, or for show, or so no one could hold it against you, you where all as sick, if not more sick than I, yet helped me, that is true inspiration having a heart so pure you would do that, I cannot thank you enough.
As I am now sat in Portsmouth Queen Alexandra, unstable in the Respiratory unit & even more scared than ever.
I am sicker than anyone realised, I know that I often hide the true dirty side…. There is no need to have it all out & I will always try & find something to laugh at, anything if even myself.
I am still alone (in the physical sense), my family still in London, friends still dotted about… but I have an AWESOME group of people, we whatsapp till the early hours, post silly memes on Instagram & Facebook, group chats about Drama Llamas, snapchats of … well anything & everything. They make me laugh, send messages though at just the right point, we plan trips and things to do, holidays, concerts, life will go on. They are my inspiration to keep fighting.
The truth is, I refuse to be the reason people cry, or hurt, so I keep fighting this, mainly to prove a point…. I will win. I have a battle to end all battles coming, as much as the Doctors keep telling me I am running out of fight, strength & options, that my time is limited, I will fight for all those people that INSPIRE me.
For my family that have to hold down a job & look after family, who drive 2 hours each way, with clothes & food that I can eat to sit with me for a few hours. They inspire me to know this isn’t about me, this is about who we are. About how we have always been raised to fight things together, to love together, to do things as a unit.
For my friends that are going through health battles like mine & take time out to check I am ok, if I need anything, if they can give me a hug. That keep me laughing, that sit there at night when they should be catching up on sleep or life, take time for me and put me first, they are an inspiration.
For all my other friends who keep me laughing, sit up till the early hours talking crap with me, who could easily walk away like so many other do & have because it became so hard to deal with, Who no doubt are sick of the hospital selfies or posts about needles or drama llamas … but still find time to cheer me up …. they are an inspiration.
To the Doctors, Nurses, Health Care Assitants and Consultants that are fighting for me, that keep going until they are out of options, that are battling through everything to give me my life back, or a life. They are the inspiration
I don’t fight for me, I lost that… I fight for everyone that gives me the strength to carry on and beat this, you are the inspiration I am just someone who is here. I am far from an inspiration, I am just me. Someone that will never be able to thank you all enough for the past month and everything that has been done.
Love you all xxx